The two types of insecure attachment style are also known as “anxious” and “avoidant.” The avoidant attachment style is a kind of deactivation of the attachment system. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid close romantic relationships and close friendships. They have difficulties with intimacy and closeness and are more likely to engage in casual sex than to have sex in a monogamous relationship. They have difficulties trusting others and cannot share their feelings with friends or partners because most of their emotions aren’t felt.
People with an avoidant attachment style do not seek to change the past and do not genuinely hope that they can one day create a secure relationship to another person who genuinely cares about them. Their childhood has shown them that these relationships or friendships do not exist. As they cannot invest their emotions in relationships or friendships, they do not experience distress when a relationship or friendship ends. They often avoid intimacy by using excuses (“I am too busy at work”). They are compulsively self-reliant and hyper-sensitive to criticism but are at the same time highly critical of others. They tend to be overachievers and feel stable only if they are completely self-reliant and in control of everything that happens. They will let only those people who they can completely control and who they can be extremely demanding of come near them emotionally. They also have a tendency toward avoidant depression and anxiety.
The underlying cause of an avoidant attachment style typically lies in the individual’s childhood, as the young brain is most vulnerable to imprinting. Avoidance can be caused by childhood abandonment, unpredictable parental behavior, unrealistic parent expectations, physical, verbal or emotional abuse. These behaviors teach the child that her environment is not a safe place and that the people she encounters cannot be trusted.
In a healthy environment a bonding process occurs between a child and her caregiver during the first five to six years of the child’s life. The caregiver is in a position to recognize and satisfy the child’s emotional needs. As American psychologist Harry Harlow’s experiments in the 1950s demonstrated, the emotional connection with a caregiver is necessary in order for the child to learn that her world is a safe place that she can explore. Harry Harlow tested whether young rhesus monkeys would choose a surrogate mother made of soft terrycloth but who provided no food, or one made of wire but who provided food from an attached baby bottle. He found that the baby monkeys spent significantly more time with their cloth mother than with their wire mother. The baby monkeys would turn to their cloth mother for comfort and security and would use the cloth mother as a secure base to explore the room.
I am a love addict who has just separated from a love avoid addict. Knowledge and understanding will see us separate knowing the recovery processes as I research my issues. Right at the end I had the guts (cause I accepted it was over) to tell Bernard he was an avoid love addict.
Its a long story, but I am sure I am suffering in our loss more than he is, cause I have to withdraw from him where as he just has to walk away, detached and more on to another. I had to let him know even though he will resent me more, that he has to address his issues like I mine, as he will have the same strategies in other relationships of being a runner, escape artist, ect scared of intimacy, to get close, ect, and I cared for him to much to let the unknown denial about him self not to have him see it and give him the beginning of that realization he must face, and work on.
Me, well I am suffering the retreat of the avoidance person once again, sick of being a love puppet, not having a say, or keeping my desires to myself in case he avoids everything, me, broken plans my motto. The twins 7 months he does not know, he did not know me when I was pregnant, and he was not around much before that. I have to see that I been living in a fantasy relationship, thinking the addiction love avoider was coming but in all this time he was going.
It is hard for me the love addict to let go, not only as he is my love vice, but I do love the man. We both have suffered great. Time to walk away.
I have been in the same position as you and have now got to walk away with a broken heart. However, like you, feelings remain and I love that man still…. life is tough……
hi guys. ive been split from my ex since beginning of may. we were only together since xmas but it was really intense from the start and id pretty much moved in within 3 weeks. we were loved up or so i thought. she had alot of probs in her early years ie no father figure – didnt really get along with mum – bullied at school and then at 15 she was raped. she ran away and met a guy that turned out to be totally mental and beat her on a regular basis. she stayed with him for a year and then ran away back to her home town,. at 17 she got involved in recreational drugs to quite an extent n continued this to her early 20′s. she now has 2 girls to 2 different dads n has had many short relationships lasting 1-5 months. when we were together 90% of the time she was amazing – loving and caring. but the other side to her was pretty awful. jealous attacks 4 no reason, false accusations, high maintenance, always saying im not doing enough even though in reality i was. it seemed the more i spoilt her of showed my love the more it freaked her out n pushed it away. almost like she didnt feel like she deserved it!! since we split ive been trying to investigate what the hell happened as we kept falling out over petty stuff and it was always her that started it. usually when i had been treating her nice. ive come to the conclusion that she has really bad commitment phobia and has an attachment disorder that is affecting her relationships. after we split where she told me she still loved me it took her a month to meet someone else and now shes apparantly in love with him already haha. i realise our relationship was a fantasy to her but to me it was true love and to be honest was my first love. its been over 2 months n im still thinking about her regularly but i know deep down it was for the best.