Breakup Interview 5

Occasionally we will be featuring someone who recently suffered or is still suffering from a past breakup or related heartaches. This is the fifth interview in this series. To read the fourth interview in the series, click here.

1) Age, sex, marital status

27, Male, Single

2) How long ago did the breakup happen? How long had you been in the relationship when the breakup occurred?

This relationship ended three and a half months ago. It lasted only about three months.

3) How did you meet?

We met on OKcupid.com

4) What was your relationship like?

A roller coaster. Lot of days we were very happy together, other days it seemed like we misunderstood every single thing the other person said. I often felt like she was reading a lot into what I was saying, either thinking I was angry or horny. I got the impression that she thought I was playing games. When it was good, though, it was very good. Just didn’t happen all that often.

We only got to see each other once a week since we live two hours away from one another, but I liked that we each had separate lives, at least for the beginning of the relationship.

5) Who initiated the breakup? And what were the details of the breakup?

She did. We were talking on the phone and she had a very bad series of days. After she ranted about how horrible I was to her, how much of an angry person I was, and that I was like everyone else in her life (just wanting her to be a nice little girl and don’t complain about how hard her life is) she said, “I should just break up with you now so you don’t have the pleasure of doing it yourself.” I wasn’t in the mood to argue after being lashed out at (which seemed to happen at least once a week) so I said, “That’s fine, goodbye”.

About a month later I realized that she had sworn off all men and couldn’t bare the fact that I must have hurt her so much. I wanted to apologize that I couldn’t help her understand how much I truly did care about her and how I wish I could have clarified how much I was *not* angry with her. She didn’t believe anything I said, and said she didn’t care about me anymore. I said, “How could you go from saying you love someone and planning a future with me one month (kids and a home), and then go not caring at all about me the next?” She said something that amounted to it not being my business, and that she hates me now.

6) What were the effects of the breakup physically and psychologically?

There weren’t any physical effects that I recall. Psychologically, I find myself very worried about being misunderstood, more so than I have in quite a long time. I worry quite a bit about hurting anyone inadvertently, so much so that I will feel awkward around people I think I may have even remotely harmed. Also, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether or not I truly am a good person.

Some of the things she said when I tried to contact her was pretty damaging as well. She said hurtful things that targeted a lot of my insecurities. Said I was worthless, said I have no meaning in my life, and implied that I was a failure.

I also feel much more hesitant to allow myself to become attached to others. This is the third in a series of very painful relationships. It seemed like in those relationship I was ready to be committed and open up completely, but perhaps they were not. It’s difficult to want to open up again when the last three times I did I was wounded.

7) How did you cope?

I tried to take time out of my day just to feel the pain. Just let the emotion wash over me. If I needed to, I would talk to friends about who I was feeling, and ask about whether or not they thought I was really at fault. A question that was commonly on my mind was, “Could I have been more patient or tried to be more articulate about my feelings?” It’s difficult to say whether or not I could have been, but it was helpful to hear support from loved ones.

Aside from that, I’ve been getting back into martial arts training, and being more physically fit in general. I’m focusing on self improvement.

I’m taking this as a learning experience that I should really focus on those things I feel insecure about: focus on my studies and how I want to live my life. If I’m truly satisfied with the effort I put forth then I will slowly lose those insecurities.

8) Did you try to get your ex back?

Not especially. She thought that’s what I was doing when I tried to apologize to her, but I really just hate hurting others. By the time it was over I knew it wasn’t going to work. Romance shouldn’t be as difficult as that was, and something I desire almost above all else is to be understood. She didn’t.

9) Do you miss your ex? If so, what do you miss most?

I don’t miss my ex so much as I miss her child. She had a child from a previous relationship, and had him a bit before we met. He’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen and I don’t go a day without tearing up a little bit that I won’t see him again. He was very very easy to become attached to. Generally speaking, I guess I could say that I miss the fact that I felt so very close to starting a family.

10) What sort of impact has the relationship with your ex had on you as a person?

I’m not sure. I think, if anything, I’ve become more cautious of how much I give of myself, how much I let myself love, before really knowing someone. I’ve never been afraid of loving until now.

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