Occasionally we will be featuring someone who recently suffered or is still suffering from a past breakup or related heartaches. This is the second interview in this series. To read the first interview in the series, click here.
1) Age, sex, relationship status
I am 37-years old. Female. I just met someone.
2) How long ago did the breakup happen? And how long had you been in the relationship when it happened?
The breakup happened almost two years ago. We had been together for 13 years.
3) How did you meet?
We met at a party, hooked up, went to his place and had sex, nothing special. Honestly I didn’t expect to hear from him again. I was going on a vacation with a girlfriend a couple of day after the party, to a Greek island. It was a crazy two weeks. I think we were making out with a new person every night. Then when I got back, there were like 14 messages or something on my answering machine. I thought “what a freak” and didn’t call him back. Then a month later we met at a party again, I was really drunk and we hooked up again, except this time I stayed the rest of the weekend. He was really persistent, and I eventually fell for it.
4) What was your relationship like?
It was quite stormy in the beginning. One time I was breaking up with him for a really young guy. I thought I was madly in love. But the first time we were going to spend he night, he came before he got inside me. That’s when I realized just how young he was. Meanwhile my other guy had kept trying to convince me to get back together. So when things didn’t work out with the younger guy, we got back together. A couple of years later he proposed. We got married and had a kid, a boy, and then a girl three years later. It took me several years to fall in love with him. Our marriage was good, though. I don’t think we ever had a real fight, we talked a lot and had sex a lot more often than most married couples, almost every day, I think.
5) Who initiated the breakup? And what were the details of the breakup?
He found someone else. He didn’t have an affair or anything. One day he just got home and told me he had had sex with this other woman, someone from work. He had made me a nice dinner, maybe he felt guilty, one of his chicken dishes I really liked. Then he told me, in the middle of dinner that he had cheated on me. The dinner, of course, was ruined. I got really upset. I told him it was over, although deep down I knew I would probably take him back. He slept on the couch that night and many days after that. We didn’t talk. He tried to talk to me, but I kept telling him it was over. Then one day he didn’t come home. I cried myself to sleep. Turned out he was still seeing that woman from work and had stayed over at her place. I slowly realized that he was going to leave me. I tried to make him stay. I remember performing oral on him whenever he would let me, even swallowing, something I wasn’t willing to do before. It was insane. Of course, the more I tried, the more he felt like leaving. For a couple of months he spent more than half the nights at her place. Then he finally came home one day and said that he was moving in with her permanently. I begged him to stay. But he left.
6) What were the effects of the breakup physically and psychologically?
I have been seriously struggling every way since he left. He left the kids with me. They were really hurt by the whole thing, and the divorce wasn’t pretty, we were fighting over everything, spending thousands of dollars on lawyers. In the end I got to keep the house, and he agreed to pay child support. But it was awful. Every time we had to show up in court I had to look at this woman who stole my husband. I really hated her. I still do. I still don’t get what made him choose her over me. I am the mother of his children. I don’t think I will ever forgive him.
7) How did you cope?
The kids and the divorce took up all my time. My parents and my sister helped out a lot. I was crying every day for several months. I was angry and sad and freaked out at the same time. I was isolating myself, didn’t want to go out or see people. My sister finally forced me to go out a couple of months ago. I hooked up with someone. But he was a jerk, he was just using me. But then I went to a bar with my sister like a week later and I met someone.
8) Did you try to get your ex back?
Yeah, all the time. I hated him for leaving me but I still wanted him back. I called him almost every day. I used the kids as an excuse to call. He didn’t see them during the week because of the two-hour drive. So sometimes I did have a real reason to call. Sometimes his new girl friend picked up the phone. That was really awkward. I would just hang up. I didn’t want to talk to her. One time I convinced him to come over after the kids were a sleep. I told him we needed to divide the wedding gifts. I had opened a bottle of wine. At first he didn’t want any. But I convinced him to have some. While we were in the middle of dividing wedding gifts I threw myself at him. He told me to stop but didn’t really do anything to make me. I went down on him. Afterward he was furious, said I had tricked him. I tried to do the same thing one other time, but I wasn’t able to convince him to come over again.
9) Do you miss your ex? If so, what do you miss most?
I still miss him. I am not sure what I miss about him. I think I am mostly just really hurt. But I have a new guy now and the kids really like him. So hopefully things will work out.
10) What sort of impact has the relationship with your ex had on you as a person?
I am not sure. I wish I had thrown him out the first time he cheated on me. I never cheated on him. I have mixed feelings about him, and I think I have some trust issues. I don’t think I’ll want to get married again any time soon.
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